Oops I did it again: 3 Dating Mistakes
“Dating is so hard!”
“I’ve been going on a date every night,”
“I’ve been talking to this guy/girl for over a month and we haven’t gone on one date”
Have you said any of these statements at least once? Have you heard any of your friends say these?
1) “Dating is hard:” Yes, it can be. However, it can also be very rewarding, leading to great relationships. That's why people keep trying because we long for connections. It shouldn’t be any harder than making a résumé, applying for jobs, getting additional training, meeting new people and being in a new environment. Now, if you go in with the mentality that dating is going to be hard due to outside influences, past experiences, etc. then it will be VERY HARD. First, lets dissect it; what are you looking for? Can you be alone longer than 1 week, a month or a year? Are you feeling any pressure from family or friends to be married? Were you in a relationship in the last month? Did you experience a rejection? Was there a huge life transition?
If you answered “yes” to any of the following questions then you might need to slow things down, process and repair yourself before tackling any dating. I ask this because if you are okay with being alone and you’re NOT feeling anxious, then you are most likely going to give off a positive energy. If you have been feeling pressure, this creates more anxiety and you might miss cues if this person isn’t right for you. You will therefore be more susceptible to letting things slide that you normally wouldn’t. (i.e. someone who smokes, not of the same religious/political beliefs, lifestyle, and age to name a few).
2) “I’m going on a date every night:” Oh yes, this seems like a lot of fun meeting someone new every day, but it can be exhausting. Lets face it, dating isn’t the only thing you do every day; we have other full time responsibilities like work! We all need a break every once in awhile to reset ourselves. Let’s break this down…. What are you looking for when meeting someone new every day? Is there a fear of being alone, rejected, or running out of time? It takes time to get to know someone and yourself. Lastly, practice identifying those fears and what your goal is for dating (long term relationship, dating, free dinner, loneliness). It will be less exhausting if you have a checklist and a list of requirements you could ask before going out of a date.
3) “I’ve been talking to this person for over a month and we haven’t gone out on one date:” RUN! Sometimes we don’t need to explore everything. Unless, this person is out doing a humanitarian mission in Cambodia there is no good enough reason why you haven’t met up in person. If the conversations are so great then why are you still texting, messaging, emailing, tweetting or instagramming?? These conversations should progress in person rather quickly if they’re a good fit for a date.
I hope this saves some of you time. If you can’t shake the funk, then give me a call! I will help you process the blocks you have for a great dating and romance life!
In ALL relationships there is some form of conflict. Now the real question is, “how do you handle the conflict or crisis that can occur in the relationship”?
Each person has their own views and values on the way issues should be handled. In any scenario there are many ways to solve it. Two people begin to solve it and that’s when they realized that emotions come out. Whether you are feeling anger, frustration, or sadness they come out! Now how can you handle something when each of you are having your own internal dialogue? Does one of you avoid and distance yourself from the other? Or do you continue to push the other person to talk until the issue is solved? Now this is what is HARD. Both people are having their own feelings and not connecting with each other, making these emotions more visible or less visible. Days, weeks, months continue and guess what that issue comes up again and both of you are left in the same spot from the last time. This is called the negative cycle where many couples get stuck. Furthermore, this is what can make the relationship HARD. This cycle can continue until each person is able to be present in that moment and speak from the heart. If you love to read, pick up a copy of Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson to get more of an idea how on to improve your relationship. Couples therapy can also help for cycles that are too hard to break.